Learning as I go

Life is always surprising me with its twist and turns.  Since my 28th birthday, my life has been a shit show. I fell into a dark depression got out of touch with my friends and family. My partner was there, but with no idea of how to keep it all together. I'm feeling a lot better now but in those dark days, I learned a great deal about myself.

• You do not need to have all the answers- I have lived most of my life with knowing that you cannot control your life; you can direct it but God (or whatever higher power you believe in) has a different plan. However, my “older age” has turned its back on this idea and I have turned into a control freak! This has made me mad! These expectations from the people around me, the expectations for myself.  I have never been the kind of person who desires the " white- picket fence" but people around me are telling me otherwise and for a second I let them.  I did think that at this point in my life I would have already figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life, what makes me happy, whole. That idea alone can put way too much pressure on anyone, that is a question most people in their 40s can't answer.  The key is to find happiness in your everyday life, to find gratitude in all that we have. Now, this isn't to say to not strive for better and give up on finding what makes you happy but if life tells you to go left instead of right then go and DON’T FIGHT IT! Letting go of what you can not change is a lot easier said than done but once done you'll find that letting go can cause a sense of peace.  
• It takes a village- This is true in every sense! Having a place in a community is everything.  I was slowly shutting out my friends and family out (for reasons I couldn’t even tell you) when it happened I didn’t care.  I made every excuse in the book "I’m busy" and (my favorite lie) "I already made plans" where my go to’s. Most of the time when we find ourselves feeling alone its because we have chosen to be alone.  I was so lucky to have people in my life that didn’t take no for an answer (I’m forever thankful).  Its still a slow process of getting back my support team but we are all putting in the effort and that’s an amazing start. Even though it was a bad time I did realize my true friendships and it taught me to never take these people for granted. 
• This will test your relationship- Being in a relationship means you support them through everything, it means through thick and thin. Right? Sort of. You can only help someone who wants your help. Patience and massive support is the key to coming out of this thing stronger. Often times I would find myself holding back with my partner.  When I found myself having a bad day I would push him away.  Im so grateful that he didn't give up on me because with enough pushing eventually they push back or walk away entirely. He never gave up and when I began to notice this I finally put any pride, ego or walls aside to tell him what was really going on in my head.  Being totally naked like that is scary but if you can find the courage you might be surprised of the outcome.  He was understanding and supportive.  If he hadn't been? then that would have been the end of our relationship and honestly good  riddance. 
• It will always be a working progress- Truth is that its an every day struggle by no means do I have it all figured out. Or have I found the secret to happiness.  I have simply found that being at the bottom finding the light can be hard and keeping these few things in mind has helped me slowly become the happy optimistic girl I once was.  There will be days when getting out of bed would be accomplishment. Days when the idea of doing the simplest tasks like making the bed or taking a shower seem daunting and energy sucking.  On those days I will count my blessings and know that it is never as bad as you think it is.  You will push through tomorrow is a new day. YOU GOT THIS 

Always looking for the light 

-Kat